Random Insult Generator

I just wanted to take the time to personally thank Tony for being a gracious host and trusting me as a guest blogger in his time of absence. You have all been a very well-mannered audience and in the end, we can all say we had a great time, but deep down I know how you truly feel. It’s okay, I deserve it for selling those nude pictures of your mom.

I look forward to the possibility of writing for Tony again and maybe even working together at the capacity of what could be considered a slightly maladjusted individual with severe back hair. I wanted to post more on the topic of tech & science and not be so personal, but I just didn’t have it in me. So, I will leave you with this:

If there was one wickedly formidable superhuman power I wish I had, it would have to be an innate random insult generator. I can almost count on one hand the numerous times this ability would have proven advantageous. Sure, you can fly, but I’ll be referring to you as a [INSERT RANDOMLY GENERATED INSULT HERE] while doing so. Also, the ability to disable vulgar language would be beneficial, just in case I get into a name-calling match with another 5-year old. Take that, you spam humping thighbone nibbler.

If you have found any and/or all of what I have written to be overtly offensive, then please follow me on twitter. We hope you had fun on your vacation Tony, good luck cleaning up this mess. I left your phone bill next to the garbage, which I also didn’t take out.

– Josh Hopkins, guest blogger

posted 9/5/08 at 4:31pm to Lulz · 0 replies · permalink

Meticulous Perfectionism

Recently, I’ve come to accept my obsessive-compulsive disorder for what it is: Meticulous Perfectionism. I refuse to be labeled as an “anal retentive”. Sigmund Freud may have theorized that a child interrupted in the late stage of anal development can produce obsessive behavioral traits in adults, but I didn’t shit in the bathtub as a child to later be described as anal retentive. No thank you. You can keep your slang term, because I prefer mine slightly more.

The psychological theme here is self-control and obedience. Ultimately, my toilet training failed and my parents were always too controlling, so naturally we can place the blame on them for my overly rigid and highly organized adult life. It’s time for a review, so shall we? Great!

BOOKS: I organize my books in any number of ways. They are grouped by category and stacked horizontal or vertical in ascending order according to size. Color coordination is far too insipid and tawdry. You should possibly contemplate killing yourself if this is your method of organization.

CLOTHING: My clothing is first organized by clothing type, i.e. pants, jeans, long sleeve button shirts, short sleeve button shirts, t-shirts, etc.  I don’t necessarily organize by color, except for t-shirts, which are very important and the obvious exception to the rule. Abusive t-shirt organization is attributed to flaws in the Oral Stage of your development, approximately at 18 months. There is nothing that can be done now, accept failure and move along to creating your To-Do List.

TO-DO LISTS: These are fundamentally flawed, because the amount of time that it takes to keep rewriting them after you have marked something off of the list reverts back to making more work in and of itself. If you were able to make it past that last sentence, then it is best we move along to the grammatical section pertaining to proper spelling and enunciation.

GRAMMAR: One of the biggest annoyances is encountering and dealing with a general malfunction of the common English language. If you can’t properly speak or form sentences, then I am no longer interested in what you have to say. You can also forget about ever being considered my friend. I might possibly call if I need money, but please write what you are going to say on paper first before attempting to speak to me. I can forgive childish misspellings and even a misplaced apostrophe or two, since no one is perfect, except maybe for me. It most likely comes down to a problem with the Genital Stage. Again, the psychological theme is maturity and we all know you skipped that phase of your life.

I hope these tips have brought a new found feeling of pride for those who also suffer from the same obsessive thoughts and phobias. Remember, it’s not anal retentive, just perfectionally meticulous.

[ I’m surprised you stopped washing your hands long enough to write this post. – ed. ]

– Josh Hopkins, guest blogger

posted 9/4/08 at 4:47pm to Snark · 3 replies · permalink

Memes and Language

In today’s information rich and technically savvy world, nothing is more intriguing or mystifying than the viral information that has propagated from one person to another in the form of a “meme”. An internet meme is a neologism, which is a newly created concept or expression that has been recently introduced and quickly spread from person to person. With the advent of the Internet, the introduction of themes and catchphrases are rapidly amplified through the technology we use every day. Email, instant messaging, and a plethora of personal blogging and social networking sites put everyone on a more intimately refined level of rapidly spreading our knowledge, thoughts, and ideas. The meme itself, once reaching a high level of popularity will most likely evolve into multiple versions of itself or spawn new memes. Much like a virus, a meme is an infectious idea that is directly dependent upon it’s replicating host.

So what is this all about? Memes explain a lot about who we are and what make us unique. They enlighten us to the direction the internet is moving and how we communicate with one another directly and indirectly. Memes, oftentimes, transcend the internet and enter our personal lives and add to the already existent memes we subconsciously spread every day in gestures, art, and even language. Our brains are quickly adapting and we will think we are consciously choosing these things, but it’s fundamentally our inherent programming to replicate that is making us do it.

– Josh Hopkins, guest blogger

posted 9/3/08 at 9:39pm to Science! · 2 replies · permalink